I used to love getting mail. Remember back when the internet only existed in secrecy and you had to physically write letters to people? In junior high I had a French penpal. We’d write back and forth practicing our kindergarten-level language skills. My letters to her probably translated to something like:

“Hello, my French friend. How are you? I am teenager. It’s not fun as think. Have zits. How say zits in French? Zeut alors! Do go to discotechques? You are amiable. Texas hot. Thanks. Write back now.”

I loved getting letters back from her. But, really I loved getting anything in the mail. I would write to companies for information, just so I could get mail. It seemed wondrous to get return mail back from exotic places like Pueblo, CO. On Saturdays, I eagerly awaited the mailman’s arrival, with the enthusiasm of a wagging dog tail. He was a man who made things happen. One day my parents decided to put an end to my mail obsession. They forbid me and my sisters from checking the mail. They may as well have just told me that George Michael and I would never be. I refused to hear this! That was the beginning of me thinking my parents were spies in the CIA. Of course I couldn’t check the mail, I might intercept one of their top secret government letters.

Today I hate the mail. Let’s take a look at some of the mail I receive now.

Victoria’s Secret Catalogs

Victoria's Secret Catalogs Junk Mail Too Much Junk Mail
Why does Victoria’s Secret hate trees?

These are eight catalogs I’ve received from Victoria’s Secret in the last two months. This photo doesn’t even capture the ones I threw away on sight in disgust at them flaunting their tree-hating ways. Just how many pairs of boobs does Victoria’s Secret think I have? And while my ass is biggish, I’ve managed to get by with only wearing one pair of underwear at a time for years. So, what’s up with all the catalogs? Are they trying to keep the paper industry in business? Are they determined to have every American female wear pants with writing on the butt?

Never Forget: You are Not a Woman, You Are a Vessel

I’ve received a couple of these wonderful, no pressure, informational leaflets from my insurance company, Blue Cross:

Future Moms Junk Mail Blue Cross Targeted Mail to Thirtysomethings Not Pregnant
Get pregnant already, bitch!

How come no one told me I’m pregnant? The last time I visited the lady doctor, did she check for everything but the baby?! I’ve been tossing back shots like spring break in Mexico on the regular. My poor, unacknowledged, drunken fetus. Or could it be that I’m not pregnant? That my health insurance company is profiling me? “Ah, see, a woman in her 30s, let’s baby mail bomb her! Surely someone will be sticking a bun in her oven soon! And it’s springtime! Who doesn’t want to get pregnant in the spring?” What if I don’t want to have kids? What if I can’t have kids?

Look, Blue Cross, get out of my uterus! A single woman of a certain age gets enough baby pressure as is: parents; my general practitioner; anytime US Weekly has a sad photo of Jennifer Aniston and her “baby woes” on the cover; a random prescient homeless woman (“Gurl, you gotta get knocked up soon! Yo’ eggs gon’ dry up!” Ok, maybe that last bit never happened, but you get my point.). I don’t need pressure delivered by snail mail. I get it. My eggs are feeling useless and weeping. Once a month as another is released, the others cheer it on, “Get it girl, get fertilized, this is your time!” Then as the egg passes on into the ether, the rest fall into a deep depression. I don’t think they understand exactly how things work in that area. Can I get Prozac just for my eggs?

Then there are the bills, the bills and the bills. Destiny’s Child had it right: “Can you pay my bills? Maybe then we can chill.” ‘Cause I’m sick of looking at the damn things. Time Warner, your internet service is subpar. Can I just pay you what I I think you’re worth? Here’s two dollars.

Everyone Should be a Teen Mom!

My latest mailman is definitely not the man of my dreams. The mailbox at my current apartment is super small. A mailbox fit for an ewok. I can’t even fit packages of illegal drugs in there. There goes that side business. As a result, he’d taken to sticking my US Weeklys in the mailbin. [Yes, I have a subscription to US Weekly. Don’t wrinkle your intellectually snooty nose at me. I think for a living. My brain needs a vacation from time to time.] The mailbin where any shifty Teen Mom-obsessed nutcase can steal them, and steal them they have. I missed out on seeing the photos of Kim Kardashian’s latest giant-ass stunt with Kanye because of my mailman. We gon’ fight, dude.

US Weekly Magazines Lost Mail Lost Magazines Not Delivered Missing
Just as I was starting to forget how batshit crazy Tom Cruise is…

I may or may not have sent some goons (that word doesn’t enough love these days) to his house to help him see the light. My US Weeklys are now being safely deposited in my mailbox. Never again will I have to live in fear that I will answer “I don’t know” when asked what’s going on with The Bachelor behind the scenes, because even though I don’t watch that maddening show, US keeps me in-the-know.

Between the the tree-killers, the shame leaflets, the bills and the magazine kidnapping, I’ve lost a lot of love for the mail and subsequently my love affair with the mailman came to an end. I appreciate the job mail carriers do. I really do. But, rarely do they bring me good news. One day I’d love to check my mail and find a bag of Popeye’s chicken, courtesy of a fine-ass male, mail carrier. Until that day comes, me and the mail carriers are like ketchup and lays chips – we don’t belong together (I’m looking at you, Canada).

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  • KC Johnson
    August 13, 2012

    Your pretend random prescient homeless woman was my real mom before I had Cole. I got the whole “I want to talk to you as a nurse, not as your mother” line. (I thought, oh, this is gonna be rich”) Six month later when I told her I was pregnant, her response was “Yayyyy! Your eggs aren’t dead!!!” …True story.

  • michelle
    August 13, 2012

    Wow. I cannot believe that BlueCross actually mailbombs “future moms!” That is CRAZY! “Something else even bigger may be sprouting…” BARF!

    And 8 VS catalogs in just a few months is pretty damn excessive. Do people even order from catalogs, anymore? Wouldn’t an e-mail with a link to the website be just as effective? And less damaging to our self esteem? Cuz let’s face it, no matter how much money I give them, I will never look like the girls in those catalogs. Just let me buy my panties without being able to compare what I see in my mirror to those airbrushed asses and stretch-mark-free abs (see, VS models have things called abs where the rest of us keep our bellies…).

    Our mail is boring. Usually Time Warner Cable telling us to switch to them (we are already subscribed, morons.); ads/coupon books from local companies reminding us that our house is builder-grade crap and it’s time to upgrade our floors to hardwood, countertops to granite, yard to an oasis, etc.; and maddening spam from our state representative reminding us that he is standing up to the crazy socialist liberals in Washington who want to take away our right to be bigots. Hooray. But my 5 year old loves checking the mail. So if you want to completely make his day, send him something. A photo or a note, or whatever. He eats that shit up. 🙂

    • thegirlnextdoorisblack
      August 14, 2012

      I know, the Blue Cross thing is so ridiculous I just had to laugh at it.

      I will admit, I have ordered from the VS catalogs, which is likely the reason behind them mail-stalking me. But, one catalog would suffice.

    • thegirlnextdoorisblack
      August 14, 2012

      Lol at the mail you receive. I would LOVE to send mail to Ethan. I’m so excited by this idea. I hope I can send him something from Tanzania!

  • edwarddixon89
    August 13, 2012

    loved it!! I look forward to reading about your upcoming adventure!!

  • Will
    August 13, 2012

    Yeah, not good comes from the mail. Well, unless you purchased something from eBay.

  • Za Ra
    August 13, 2012

    Did you ever stop to think that your eggs may appreciate a sexy pair of lingerie now and then? One for each egg. Sheesh 😛

  • Laura
    August 13, 2012

    Hilarious! Congrats on your new blog and first post!